AKC To Recognize Grenadian Reef Terrier

In what is regarded as an absurd decision, the American Kennel Club has voted to certify the Grenadian Reef Terrier as an officially recognized breed, eligible for all dog shows that compete under AKC rules.

The voting body of the AKC at last surrendered to the constant harassment of small but vocal contingent of owners of the extremely rare Grenadian Reef Terrier. Said one AKC member of the lobbyists' efforts, "Get off my lawn!"

The history of the reef terrier is not a proud one, as they were originally bred by Caribbean pirates to locate and retrieve buried sea turtle eggs from the beaches of the West Indian islands. Favored for their convenient travel size and comically large ears, reef terriers spread throughout the Caribbean. The turtle eggs were once a highly valued and nutritious delicacy for the sailors. More than merely working mascots, some pirate captains so admired the reef terriers that countless sea battles were decided by pitting the animals against one another in a challenge of ferocity and cuteness.

Unfortunately, as sea turtles came under increasing protection from environmentalist groups, the demand for and number of the reef terriers declined sharply. Only through carefully planned semi-feral breeding and capture programs were the reef terriers able to persist in Grenada, the small country to which we now attribute their nationality.

The breed has been described as "terrifically fast," "startlingly agile," and "unspeakably dumb." It is not yet clear the classification of the breed, but with their jet black coat and outsized ears, the GRT is sure to make an impact in dog shows worldwide.

Photo: Breed standard female of Grenadian Reef Terrier

DDR

SO Kickball Team Voids Wins Amid Steroid Scandal

A wise person once said that love conquers all, but apparently, it takes love and steroids to win at kickball.

Per the new Collective Arguing Agreement, all participants of SGU's intramural kickball league are required to be tested for performance enhancing substances.  Today, we learned exactly why there was a need for that particular clause in the CAA.

The "Skull Crushers" kickball team, a team made up predominantly of so-called "SOs," was found to have more than 80% of their players test positive for steroids. While one student's wife claimed, in true Manny Ramirez fashion, "they're birth control pills, you moron." I think we all know better than to believe that. The team will suffer a harsh punishment, voiding both of its wins from the previous two seasons.

 League managers generally regarded this as a ridiculous idea, as most samples collected are too diluted with Carib and/or Stag to get a decent laboratory result anyway. However, today's positive results are a step in the direction of furthering a fair playing field for all kickball participants.  The next step, clearly, is to have breathalyzer tests at each base to prevent potentially hilarious collisions on the basepaths.

DDR