Large Animal Physical Diagnosis Final Cancelled, Rodeo Held Instead

Amid cheers and line-dancing, the professors in charge of the third term LAMS501 course opted to discard their multiple choice final exam in favor of a more clinically relevant activity: a rodeo.

Students happily accepted the opportunity to apply the skills learned in the Large Animal Physical Diagnosis class. Said one student, "Medical math and blood draws are fine, but I want to do me some ropin'!" The quote was greeted by a chorus of "yee haws."

Professors throughout the SVM hail this decision as ground-breaking in the interest of developing clinical skills.

When asked about the dangers of holding a rodeo, one professor was very reassuring, "The bull sleeps like 18 hours a day and we'll be using med students as rodeo clowns in case anything goes bad." Tickets will go on sale on Saturday at 10:30am at the LARF. All proceeds to benefit the "Get SGU Accredited" Fund.

Disease Proves Non-fatal; Necropsy BBQ Cancelled

Countenances fell throughout the SVM yesterday as a number of livestock showed marked improvement with antibiotic therapy. The sadness wasn't for the improved health of the animals, of course, but for the concurrent cancellation of the scheduled "Necropsy Barbecue" which was to be held after all the infected animals passed away.

Said one professor, "We figured it was a shame to waste the meat and we are a little sad about all those donkeys about to die, so we thought, 'Hey! Barbecue!' and booked Black Sand Beach." When questioned about the safety of consuming flesh of sick animals, the professor said he was, "pretty sure" that "it'd be fine."

Donkey flesh, a highly sought Grenadian delicacy, was to be butchered/necropsied by fifth term students while final preparations such as the marinade and actual grilling were to be completed by sixth termers.

Organizers are hopeful to reschedule, however, as parasitology professor Dr. Linda Redney pointed out that a number of deadly parasites are coming into season in the coming weeks and "most of them aren't zoonotic."

Minnesota SVM Students Seek Exchange Program with SGU

Term after term, sixth term SVM students happily leave the island, bounding onto their flights with grins and sunburns. Most students are quite pleased to be leaving a second-world country and returning to the good ol' US of A. Then why, you may ask, have a large contingent of students from an American Veterinary School sought to earn their fourth year credits here at SGU?

The students point out that St. George's University is "a unique learning opportunity" with an "unmatched exotics program" and "no [expletive] snow." The students said that they were excited to be accepted to Minnesota's veterinary program but sought to finish elsewhere after experiencing a very harsh winter. Said one student, "I tried to dig out my car one day and I ended up finding a frozen woolly mammoth. It's interesting and all, but this is bulls---." When asked to elaborate, the student said, "it's just so much [expletive] snow, you can't even imagine how much [expletive] snow we get here. From [expletive] August to [expletive] June there's [expletive] snow on the ground."

Besides the obvious climate advantages of Grenada over the near-arctic, the students unanimously felt that Minnesota is "really boring when you're not spending every waking moment trying to stay warm."

Curiously, when the possibility of an exchange program was presented to the respective classes at SGU and UM, a number of students at both universities were injured in the stampede for applications.

Tox Lab Explosion Threatens SVM

A large explosion rocked the SGU toxicology laboratory last night. The aerosolized poisons were carried by trade winds and settled across the LARF teaching herd, Veterinary Surgical Hall, and local snack sites. 

This reporter interviewed a number of professors and students regarding the disaster. Upon questioning, one farmhand said, “De animals? Dey okay, dey not dead.”  

Pathobiology Department Head Dr. Shawarma expressed concern over the cause of the blast. He furthered investigative efforts by saying, “I don’t even know who has the keys for that lab anymore.” Students seeking to eat at the bagel truck or Sugar Shack should not be concerned, “there’s nothing in there now that wasn’t already there,” an anonymous employee reassures us. 

The explosive device is suspected to have been set by disgruntled second, third and/or sixth term students who blame Professor F.C. Browning for their poor grades rather than citing their own laziness, poor attitude and lack of interest in the material. Dr. Browning expressed heartfelt, if brief, disappointment when hearing of the tragedy, asking only, “I have a lab?”

Marine Bio Prof A Fraud!

In yet another bizarre event demonstrating the need to better investigate applicants to SGU’s faculty; it was recently proven that “Dr.” Icthys Menteur, the new professor of marine biology, was actually just a local fisherman hanging out on the SVM dock on True Blue Bay.

The first week of class students were skeptical of his credentials, but endured lectures by the supposed “professor” as he spoke at length about “de bad feesh” and “de good feesh” as well as other common Grenadian species. Students became increasingly suspicious and eventually voiced their concerns after the first dissection. Mr. Menteur reportedly began the demonstration by chopping off the specimen’s head with a machete and proceeding to filet the fish before grilling it over a beach fire.  Several students, wishing to remain anonymous, described the procedure as “fascinating,” “innovative,” and “delicious.”

Provost representatives are waiting to determine if anybody who actually has a degree will apply for the job before taking steps to fire Mr. Menteur.

Herp Club Protests Gator Roast

A conflation of misunderstanding and good intentions led to a rowdy disagreement on Black Sand Beach last Friday. The SVM Herpetological Society led a protest against the students holding their own “Gator Roast.” The Gator Roast is a tailgating tradition at the University of Florida, usually held to coincide with the football team’s annual spring game.

However, the Herp Society apparently believed that the students in attendance would actually be roasting an endangered alligator and sought to curtail such an heinous activity.

Said one club member, “Grenadian gators are fairly rare, I’ve actually never heard of them, so we probably shouldn’t be eating them.”

Words nearly came to blows as the Florida alumni sought to protect their sacred tailgate rite. It was not until someone realized that the reptiles being grilled were merely iguanas, not gators, that tempers cooled and the party continued.

No gators were harmed in the mocking of this event.

Barnfeld's Latest Hire: A Puppy?

The rumors about Barnfeld’s Student Job Program appear to be true: the will hire anything with a pulse. This is demonstrated by their recent employment of “Brie,” a seven-month old spayed female Silky Terrier owned by first term student Carolyn Nye. 

Said Miss Nye, “Figured if I have to be at work, I might as well bring the puppy, and Brie has to be there, why shouldn’t she be paid?”

When asked, Barnfeld Student reps noted that Brie was “probably very capable” citing that she earned a 78% on Carolyn’s last anatomy test. “Her drawings were colorful and took up the whole page,” said professor of anatomy Dr. Christopher Pasqualoni, “so she got credit.”

Though troubled threats from PETA and the Anti-Youth Labor League, organizers from "Barnfeld: The Livestock Clinic" were hopeful about the prospect of this opening a new and unique pipeline for potential employees. Although they did admit that they were interested to learn how their new employee would respond to patients.

Brie could not be be reached for comment but DDR reports that Brie was so excited by her new job that she peed herself. Brie has reportedly filed a formal request that her salary be paid in peanut butter.

DDR Established

"Dr. Doolittle's Raiders" is an highly unofficial group of students dedicated to the preservation of veterinary student morale through arid sarcasm, humorous insights and tasteful parody.

We take our name from two sources: the first is the famous fictional Dr. Doolittle, a physician who shuns human patients in favor of animals; the second is "Doolittle's Raiders," a group of airmen, led by Lt. Col. Jimmy Doolittle, who were the first to strike the Japanese Home Islands during the Second World War. Hugh Lofting's beloved stories are timeless and Lt. Col. Doolittle's air raids were an enormous boost to American morale in the early days of the war.

We make our jokes at the expense of ourselves, our friends, and all creatures great and small. Ruffled feathers, we believe, are a small price to pay for spreading laughter and happiness.

As this is a humorous publication, we genuinely mean no harm. If you are offended, angered, miffed, peeved, irritated or otherwise disturbed by our work, simply stop reading and it will all go away.

DDR