PETA Protests SVM; Claims Mass Slaughter of Baby Fleas

The School of Veterinary Medicine will face serious accusations of animal cruelty for the torture and eventual slaughter of millions, perhaps even billions, of eggs, larvae, pupae, and adult fleas from the animal rights group this week. From John Donne's squishing of "The Flea" to modern chemical weapon technology, the prejudice and hate for the parasites is centuries old.

Veterinarians treat the protest as yet another publicity stunt to be ignored. But studies have shown that use of drugs like Sentinel, an oral broad-spectrum anthelmintic for dogs, and Capstar, a flea treatment for cats and dogs, are directly responsible for the death of entire generations of fleas.

Often dressed up in fancy medical jargon like "preventive care" or "topical parasite treatment," it cannot be thought of as anything but a genocide and its ethical implications must not be ignored.

Perhaps most disturbing to the activists is the special two-lecture series, scheduled for October 31st and November 1st, on the prevention of both fleas and ticks. The lectures will only further the knowledge and ability of current veterinary students to continue the devastating assault on blood-sucking parasites in the future.

Points out one protester, "Preventing fleas doesn't just impact the fleas, it also removes any tapeworm eggs inside the flea that could otherwise infect the dog. Parasites are people too!"

As yet, no formal charges have been raised in the International Court of Justice; but with such public outcry, it is only a matter of time before the situation escalates.

In other news, the families of roundworms, hookworms, and whipworms are considering filing a class action suit against the makers of Milbemax and Interceptor.

SAAVMA, Fyfe Contract Chuck Norris to Hunt Membership Holdouts

In a divergence from DDR's usual insightful jaundiced journalism, we are compelled to bring an announcement that resonates with grim hilarity, SAAVMA Representative Justin Fyfe has issued a public statement acknowledging that Chuck Norris has volunteered to help "encourage" student holdouts to renew their membership to SAAVMA. This is sure to send chills down the spines of the rebellious independents who refuse to bend to the will of the almighty SAAVMA.

Said Chuck Norris in an exclusive interview, "SAAVMA initially offered me a contract, but for Professor Fyfe? I work for free."

While rumors abound regarding the secret relationship between the two martial arts masters, it has been suggested that it was in fact Mr. Fyfe who taught Chuck Norris to grow the legendary beard. Neither would comment directly, and both offered similarly earth-shattering roundhouse kicks in answer.

The only person ever to be exempted from SAAVMA membership was Chuck Norris, although it is worth noting that SAAVMA was not exempted from Chuck Norris membership.

While no specific threats have been issued, the abject terror brought on from knowing that the eyes of Walker: Texas Ranger are upon those who refuse to renew their membership should provide sufficient incentive.

Mr. Norris mentioned that the only reason he would even consider returning to his something-like-law enforcement days is at the request of Justin Fyfe. Said Mr. Norris, "Chuck Norris aspires to be like Prof. Fyfe."

For those of our readers adequately convinced that now is the time to renew your SAAVMA membership, the website is as follows:

http://www.avma.org/savma/dues/default.asp

DDR

AKC To Recognize Grenadian Reef Terrier

In what is regarded as an absurd decision, the American Kennel Club has voted to certify the Grenadian Reef Terrier as an officially recognized breed, eligible for all dog shows that compete under AKC rules.

The voting body of the AKC at last surrendered to the constant harassment of small but vocal contingent of owners of the extremely rare Grenadian Reef Terrier. Said one AKC member of the lobbyists' efforts, "Get off my lawn!"

The history of the reef terrier is not a proud one, as they were originally bred by Caribbean pirates to locate and retrieve buried sea turtle eggs from the beaches of the West Indian islands. Favored for their convenient travel size and comically large ears, reef terriers spread throughout the Caribbean. The turtle eggs were once a highly valued and nutritious delicacy for the sailors. More than merely working mascots, some pirate captains so admired the reef terriers that countless sea battles were decided by pitting the animals against one another in a challenge of ferocity and cuteness.

Unfortunately, as sea turtles came under increasing protection from environmentalist groups, the demand for and number of the reef terriers declined sharply. Only through carefully planned semi-feral breeding and capture programs were the reef terriers able to persist in Grenada, the small country to which we now attribute their nationality.

The breed has been described as "terrifically fast," "startlingly agile," and "unspeakably dumb." It is not yet clear the classification of the breed, but with their jet black coat and outsized ears, the GRT is sure to make an impact in dog shows worldwide.

Photo: Breed standard female of Grenadian Reef Terrier

DDR

SO Kickball Team Voids Wins Amid Steroid Scandal

A wise person once said that love conquers all, but apparently, it takes love and steroids to win at kickball.

Per the new Collective Arguing Agreement, all participants of SGU's intramural kickball league are required to be tested for performance enhancing substances.  Today, we learned exactly why there was a need for that particular clause in the CAA.

The "Skull Crushers" kickball team, a team made up predominantly of so-called "SOs," was found to have more than 80% of their players test positive for steroids. While one student's wife claimed, in true Manny Ramirez fashion, "they're birth control pills, you moron." I think we all know better than to believe that. The team will suffer a harsh punishment, voiding both of its wins from the previous two seasons.

 League managers generally regarded this as a ridiculous idea, as most samples collected are too diluted with Carib and/or Stag to get a decent laboratory result anyway. However, today's positive results are a step in the direction of furthering a fair playing field for all kickball participants.  The next step, clearly, is to have breathalyzer tests at each base to prevent potentially hilarious collisions on the basepaths.

DDR

Large Animal Physical Diagnosis Final Cancelled, Rodeo Held Instead

Amid cheers and line-dancing, the professors in charge of the third term LAMS501 course opted to discard their multiple choice final exam in favor of a more clinically relevant activity: a rodeo.

Students happily accepted the opportunity to apply the skills learned in the Large Animal Physical Diagnosis class. Said one student, "Medical math and blood draws are fine, but I want to do me some ropin'!" The quote was greeted by a chorus of "yee haws."

Professors throughout the SVM hail this decision as ground-breaking in the interest of developing clinical skills.

When asked about the dangers of holding a rodeo, one professor was very reassuring, "The bull sleeps like 18 hours a day and we'll be using med students as rodeo clowns in case anything goes bad." Tickets will go on sale on Saturday at 10:30am at the LARF. All proceeds to benefit the "Get SGU Accredited" Fund.

Disease Proves Non-fatal; Necropsy BBQ Cancelled

Countenances fell throughout the SVM yesterday as a number of livestock showed marked improvement with antibiotic therapy. The sadness wasn't for the improved health of the animals, of course, but for the concurrent cancellation of the scheduled "Necropsy Barbecue" which was to be held after all the infected animals passed away.

Said one professor, "We figured it was a shame to waste the meat and we are a little sad about all those donkeys about to die, so we thought, 'Hey! Barbecue!' and booked Black Sand Beach." When questioned about the safety of consuming flesh of sick animals, the professor said he was, "pretty sure" that "it'd be fine."

Donkey flesh, a highly sought Grenadian delicacy, was to be butchered/necropsied by fifth term students while final preparations such as the marinade and actual grilling were to be completed by sixth termers.

Organizers are hopeful to reschedule, however, as parasitology professor Dr. Linda Redney pointed out that a number of deadly parasites are coming into season in the coming weeks and "most of them aren't zoonotic."

Minnesota SVM Students Seek Exchange Program with SGU

Term after term, sixth term SVM students happily leave the island, bounding onto their flights with grins and sunburns. Most students are quite pleased to be leaving a second-world country and returning to the good ol' US of A. Then why, you may ask, have a large contingent of students from an American Veterinary School sought to earn their fourth year credits here at SGU?

The students point out that St. George's University is "a unique learning opportunity" with an "unmatched exotics program" and "no [expletive] snow." The students said that they were excited to be accepted to Minnesota's veterinary program but sought to finish elsewhere after experiencing a very harsh winter. Said one student, "I tried to dig out my car one day and I ended up finding a frozen woolly mammoth. It's interesting and all, but this is bulls---." When asked to elaborate, the student said, "it's just so much [expletive] snow, you can't even imagine how much [expletive] snow we get here. From [expletive] August to [expletive] June there's [expletive] snow on the ground."

Besides the obvious climate advantages of Grenada over the near-arctic, the students unanimously felt that Minnesota is "really boring when you're not spending every waking moment trying to stay warm."

Curiously, when the possibility of an exchange program was presented to the respective classes at SGU and UM, a number of students at both universities were injured in the stampede for applications.

Tox Lab Explosion Threatens SVM

A large explosion rocked the SGU toxicology laboratory last night. The aerosolized poisons were carried by trade winds and settled across the LARF teaching herd, Veterinary Surgical Hall, and local snack sites. 

This reporter interviewed a number of professors and students regarding the disaster. Upon questioning, one farmhand said, “De animals? Dey okay, dey not dead.”  

Pathobiology Department Head Dr. Shawarma expressed concern over the cause of the blast. He furthered investigative efforts by saying, “I don’t even know who has the keys for that lab anymore.” Students seeking to eat at the bagel truck or Sugar Shack should not be concerned, “there’s nothing in there now that wasn’t already there,” an anonymous employee reassures us. 

The explosive device is suspected to have been set by disgruntled second, third and/or sixth term students who blame Professor F.C. Browning for their poor grades rather than citing their own laziness, poor attitude and lack of interest in the material. Dr. Browning expressed heartfelt, if brief, disappointment when hearing of the tragedy, asking only, “I have a lab?”

Marine Bio Prof A Fraud!

In yet another bizarre event demonstrating the need to better investigate applicants to SGU’s faculty; it was recently proven that “Dr.” Icthys Menteur, the new professor of marine biology, was actually just a local fisherman hanging out on the SVM dock on True Blue Bay.

The first week of class students were skeptical of his credentials, but endured lectures by the supposed “professor” as he spoke at length about “de bad feesh” and “de good feesh” as well as other common Grenadian species. Students became increasingly suspicious and eventually voiced their concerns after the first dissection. Mr. Menteur reportedly began the demonstration by chopping off the specimen’s head with a machete and proceeding to filet the fish before grilling it over a beach fire.  Several students, wishing to remain anonymous, described the procedure as “fascinating,” “innovative,” and “delicious.”

Provost representatives are waiting to determine if anybody who actually has a degree will apply for the job before taking steps to fire Mr. Menteur.

Herp Club Protests Gator Roast

A conflation of misunderstanding and good intentions led to a rowdy disagreement on Black Sand Beach last Friday. The SVM Herpetological Society led a protest against the students holding their own “Gator Roast.” The Gator Roast is a tailgating tradition at the University of Florida, usually held to coincide with the football team’s annual spring game.

However, the Herp Society apparently believed that the students in attendance would actually be roasting an endangered alligator and sought to curtail such an heinous activity.

Said one club member, “Grenadian gators are fairly rare, I’ve actually never heard of them, so we probably shouldn’t be eating them.”

Words nearly came to blows as the Florida alumni sought to protect their sacred tailgate rite. It was not until someone realized that the reptiles being grilled were merely iguanas, not gators, that tempers cooled and the party continued.

No gators were harmed in the mocking of this event.

Barnfeld's Latest Hire: A Puppy?

The rumors about Barnfeld’s Student Job Program appear to be true: the will hire anything with a pulse. This is demonstrated by their recent employment of “Brie,” a seven-month old spayed female Silky Terrier owned by first term student Carolyn Nye. 

Said Miss Nye, “Figured if I have to be at work, I might as well bring the puppy, and Brie has to be there, why shouldn’t she be paid?”

When asked, Barnfeld Student reps noted that Brie was “probably very capable” citing that she earned a 78% on Carolyn’s last anatomy test. “Her drawings were colorful and took up the whole page,” said professor of anatomy Dr. Christopher Pasqualoni, “so she got credit.”

Though troubled threats from PETA and the Anti-Youth Labor League, organizers from "Barnfeld: The Livestock Clinic" were hopeful about the prospect of this opening a new and unique pipeline for potential employees. Although they did admit that they were interested to learn how their new employee would respond to patients.

Brie could not be be reached for comment but DDR reports that Brie was so excited by her new job that she peed herself. Brie has reportedly filed a formal request that her salary be paid in peanut butter.

DDR Established

"Dr. Doolittle's Raiders" is an highly unofficial group of students dedicated to the preservation of veterinary student morale through arid sarcasm, humorous insights and tasteful parody.

We take our name from two sources: the first is the famous fictional Dr. Doolittle, a physician who shuns human patients in favor of animals; the second is "Doolittle's Raiders," a group of airmen, led by Lt. Col. Jimmy Doolittle, who were the first to strike the Japanese Home Islands during the Second World War. Hugh Lofting's beloved stories are timeless and Lt. Col. Doolittle's air raids were an enormous boost to American morale in the early days of the war.

We make our jokes at the expense of ourselves, our friends, and all creatures great and small. Ruffled feathers, we believe, are a small price to pay for spreading laughter and happiness.

As this is a humorous publication, we genuinely mean no harm. If you are offended, angered, miffed, peeved, irritated or otherwise disturbed by our work, simply stop reading and it will all go away.

DDR