PETA Protests SVM; Claims Mass Slaughter of Baby Fleas

The School of Veterinary Medicine will face serious accusations of animal cruelty for the torture and eventual slaughter of millions, perhaps even billions, of eggs, larvae, pupae, and adult fleas from the animal rights group this week. From John Donne's squishing of "The Flea" to modern chemical weapon technology, the prejudice and hate for the parasites is centuries old.

Veterinarians treat the protest as yet another publicity stunt to be ignored. But studies have shown that use of drugs like Sentinel, an oral broad-spectrum anthelmintic for dogs, and Capstar, a flea treatment for cats and dogs, are directly responsible for the death of entire generations of fleas.

Often dressed up in fancy medical jargon like "preventive care" or "topical parasite treatment," it cannot be thought of as anything but a genocide and its ethical implications must not be ignored.

Perhaps most disturbing to the activists is the special two-lecture series, scheduled for October 31st and November 1st, on the prevention of both fleas and ticks. The lectures will only further the knowledge and ability of current veterinary students to continue the devastating assault on blood-sucking parasites in the future.

Points out one protester, "Preventing fleas doesn't just impact the fleas, it also removes any tapeworm eggs inside the flea that could otherwise infect the dog. Parasites are people too!"

As yet, no formal charges have been raised in the International Court of Justice; but with such public outcry, it is only a matter of time before the situation escalates.

In other news, the families of roundworms, hookworms, and whipworms are considering filing a class action suit against the makers of Milbemax and Interceptor.

SAAVMA, Fyfe Contract Chuck Norris to Hunt Membership Holdouts

In a divergence from DDR's usual insightful jaundiced journalism, we are compelled to bring an announcement that resonates with grim hilarity, SAAVMA Representative Justin Fyfe has issued a public statement acknowledging that Chuck Norris has volunteered to help "encourage" student holdouts to renew their membership to SAAVMA. This is sure to send chills down the spines of the rebellious independents who refuse to bend to the will of the almighty SAAVMA.

Said Chuck Norris in an exclusive interview, "SAAVMA initially offered me a contract, but for Professor Fyfe? I work for free."

While rumors abound regarding the secret relationship between the two martial arts masters, it has been suggested that it was in fact Mr. Fyfe who taught Chuck Norris to grow the legendary beard. Neither would comment directly, and both offered similarly earth-shattering roundhouse kicks in answer.

The only person ever to be exempted from SAAVMA membership was Chuck Norris, although it is worth noting that SAAVMA was not exempted from Chuck Norris membership.

While no specific threats have been issued, the abject terror brought on from knowing that the eyes of Walker: Texas Ranger are upon those who refuse to renew their membership should provide sufficient incentive.

Mr. Norris mentioned that the only reason he would even consider returning to his something-like-law enforcement days is at the request of Justin Fyfe. Said Mr. Norris, "Chuck Norris aspires to be like Prof. Fyfe."

For those of our readers adequately convinced that now is the time to renew your SAAVMA membership, the website is as follows:

http://www.avma.org/savma/dues/default.asp

DDR